Sept 22/09 – Recipe & Rant

Recipe:

From my italian friend – her mother’s mother’s recipe

Minestra

boneless pork steaks (chops)
olive oil (or, water for sauteing)
crushed garlic (as much as you want)
new potatoes, cubed
green beans, cleaned & cut
onion (I prefer white vidallia) quartered, then cut in long, thin slices
zucchini (4 cups quarter rounds)
2 cans diced tomatos and the juice in the can (don’t drain)
1 T oregano
1 T fennel seeds (or less, if you’re not used to fennel)
salt & pepper

In a large frying pan or dutch oven, brown pork steak pieces in olive oil (or in water), add crushed garlic, then onion slices.  Cook until onions are soft.  Use a little water to steam the browning off the bottom of the pan.   Add potatoes, green beans and tomatoes.  Stir.  Add spices.  Stir.  Put a lid on and cook on medium for 20 minutes.  Add the zucchini, cover and cook another 10 minutes on simmer.

Rant:

To the two young men whispering, smirking and making ascerbic comments about my person after I walked out of the Italian deli today with a panini sandwich and a diet coke in my hand:    I’m not deaf and I’m not so large that my feelings no longer exist.   Karma.  May it come back to you ten-fold.

Looking forward to the day when a thin me catches one of you delusionally perfect 20-something males laughing at another large person…  I won’t suffer in silence that day and I guarantee you will rue the day.  I’ve had 30 years to save up an barrage of words that will leave you feeling as ashamed as you ought to feel and attempting to make amends for the rest of your life.  Your cruel behaviour is reprehensible and indefensible and I hope your mother hears of it.  Wouldn’t she be proud of you?

eat2lose

Sept 17/09 – Boosting

I was feeling a bit sorry for myself at Day 37.  My ability to calculate my measurements is flawed, at best, and every time I calculate, I come up with different figures.  To say I’m mathematically challenged is a gross understatement.  Bottom line is I’m not losing much these past 2 weeks, since the 21 day induction phase ended, which is, of course, to be expected.  The water weight has gone.  Now we’re down to the business of losing actual fat.  Which is considerably sloooooower.  And requires patience.  Of which, I have relatively little.

I am not gaining.  That is the good news.   Right about the time I was feeling sorry for myself, I came up with a rationalizaton for having a little binge – otherwise known as Boosting.  In the FLFL program, every few days, you’re supposed to double the protein or carbs in one meal, to boost your metabolism again.  So….I had a little boost last night.  After my workout, I was feeling a little shaky, so I had a bowl of Vector cereal and some twice baked potato salad [ the potato salad was definitely not on the list of allowable foods - full fat mayo and it was SO delicious!].  Anyway, instead of feeling totally guilty about it, I’m rather pleased that, even though I probably overdid it, the rationalization of ‘boosting’ is still holding steady in my mind and I’m refusing to beat myself up over it.  After all, I haven’t ‘cheated’ since my last cheat several days ago.

As a long-term IBS sufferer, I’ve also been coping with a serious case of piles for several weeks now and I’m not sure, but the coincidence of starting a new eating program seems to be more than a coincidence, so I’m struggling a bit with that.  It’s also making me rather crabby.  Well…crabbier than usual.  Piles are hemorrhoids, for those of you under 30.  They’re only funny if you don’t have them.  When you do, your sense of humour on the subject pretty much gets pooped out.  Western remedies weren’t doing a darn thing for me [Tucks, suppositories, zincofax], so I hit the local Chinese herbal store and came up with something that’s finally given me a modicum of relief – musk oil ointment and fargelin tablets.  I’ve also ordered some Alum online, which you’re supposed to dissolve, dilute and bathe in…we shall see.  I also fought off a cold/flu last week, which had me out of commission for a few days.  Combined with having piles, it tends to make one avoid exercise, so that has been pretty much off the schedule, but now that I’m feeling a bit better, I worked out last night and plan to work out again tonight.  I’m not getting all legalistic about it, because that’s what’s tended to make me want to quit in the past.  I got all freaked out if I missed a workout.  What’s the point?

On another topic, I was reminded again of how important my privacy/anonymity is to me with regard to losing weight.  I received an email invitation from a colleague/friend, inviting me to a nutrition session put on by our employer.  After politely refusing, I had a little email rant about the inappropriateness [is that a word?] of my employer getting involved in my menu and the workplace not being the place for discussing nutrition and weightloss, both of which I consider to be private, personal issues.  My body, my business.  My paranoid fear is that by not participating in these darn things, fat people will be targeted for job action [firing].  Conversely, my belief is that the more we encourage our employers to interfere in our private lives, by jumping on the bandwagon and participating in these things, the more our employers will come to believe that they’re entitled to interfere and they will become more likely to target fat people for job action when they refuse to participate.  It’s all a little too “Big Brother” for my liking.

So…for now I choose to silent protest by not participating.  Frankly, I don’t have the courage to tell them to stuff it.  Us fat folks already know that thin people think they’re better than fat people.  We get that message loud and clear every day.  When you know that a group of people views you as a weakling and are so convinced that they’re right that they’re also entitled to tell you how to behave, it’s pretty hard to point out how wrong they are and be heard.  I’m sure they all think we eat tens of thousands of calories a day.  If I were to tell them that I can gain weight eating 1400 calories a day, I doubt very much that many of them would believe me.  So…why bother?  It’s easier for them to try and dictate to us and feel superior.  A rather maddening situation, wouldn’t you say?

Anyhoo, enough ranting.

Fat people unite!  Sit on the thin people whenever you get a chance!

Sept 6/09 – Success and Failure

The balancing act is on.

Success:  The scale is under the bed.  Albeit because I cleaned my bedroom for company, but it is, nevertheless, under the bed.

Failure:  Because we had company, I waited too long to eat and became RAVENOUS.  Shortly after they left, I ate two pieces of pizza, on top of  the small piece of FLFLP lasagne I made yesterday afternoon.  It is about the 4th day since I last ‘cheated’, so I”m not really feeling too bad about it.  A couple pieces of pizza is not the end of the world and oddly enough the sky did not fall.  We’re supposed to add a protein or a carb every 4th day, to trick the body into thinking there is a bounty of food available.  Trust me.  There was a bounty of pizza and I ate it. 

On the plus side, it sure is nice to have a tidy bedroom.

I just figured out the cause of this craziness – PMS.  No matter how many times I get it, it always takes me by surprise.  I doubt anyone else is surprised, but I always am.

Take what you can get.

Hollycat

Sept 4/09 – Fear Factor

I seem to have reached the point in this program where, in the past, things have gotten a little crazy in my head and this time around things are no different.

I’m not really sure what’s going on up there, but there’s a lot of conflict.  I’m excited about the possibilities.  I’m afraid to hope.  I’m trying to envision a slim future.  I’m wondering if it’s ridiculous to even hope for such a thing.  I imagine the reaction of friends and family, whether positive or negative.  Will I be able to handle either?  Does the world’s opinion of me even matter to me anymore?  It sees me as something completely different from how I see myself. Can I rise above the opinion of others, whether positive or negative and detach myself from them long enough to reach my goal and stay there?  Will there be different expectations of me?  Will I lose friends?  Gain new ones?  I suppose this is all a natural reaction to change. I don’t think I can conclude this thought pattern, because I’m just too wrapped up in it.

To complicate my obsessions, I’m still stepping on the scale.  I’d vowed to shove it under the bed, but I’ve altered that vow a little.  I’ll put it under the bed when I’ve had my end of week weigh-in.  Until then, I’m jumping on every morning and evening to see how much it actually varies. Hey!  My body, my science experiment! [Note rationalization of irrational behaviour]. So far, it’s at least 2 pounds overnight.  Up 2 in the evening, down 2 in the morning.  Almost like clockwork.  Adequate sleep really does seem to matter. Things apparently happen overnight.

On top of the anxiety, confusion and conflicting feelings I’m experiencing, I’m having digestive issues of the carrying around a rubber donut variety, which make me none too anxious to exercise.  I’m going to have to alter the program a bit to eliminate wheat products and try and find some rice alternatives and incorporate more veggies.  I think that may help.

Anyway, no funny haha’s today.  Just not feeling too humorous. Need to get through this rocky patch first.

Hollycat

Aug 31/09 – 7% Solution

21 day induction is over and I’ve lost 7% of my fat weight, or 10 pounds, according to my lousy scales, so who really knows for sure? Anyway, what I do know is that I’ve lost a few inches here and there, and my clothes feel slightly looser.  I was able to easily do up the pants that were tight 3 weeks ago and another pair that were loose when I started are practically falling off me now. FLFLP instructs us to reward ourselves.  Given that food has generally been my reward in the past, it seems I’ve got to change my thinking on that score. It took me a while to come up with something.  But…I’ve decided on a really good reward.  Jewellery. Every 25 pounds and I get myself a small piece of jewellery. I think I’ll have the first one engraved with ‘25’, the second with ‘50’, the third with ‘75’ and the fourth with ‘100’.

Now, I’m not really a jewellery hound, particularly since I don’t really have any money for extras like that, but I do like it. Other than my wedding band and a little ring I received for my last birthday, what I do have that’s of any value has been passed down to me.  Anyway, what female doesn’t like jewellery just a little bit?  I’ve always had my eye on a nice anniversary ring, some simple pearl drop earrings and maybe a pearl pendant, as in the mother of all pearls size.  Guess I’ll be shopping around for deals and saving my money! Either that or I reward myself with engraved dog tags.  I don’t think so.

Had a bit of a cheat last night.  Ate regular pizza again.  Paid for it around 3:00 am.  Big time.  I don’t think white wheat and I get along even a tiny bit. In spite of that, I was down a couple more pounds from the last time I weighed myself.  I’ve decided I’m definitely going to have to invest in a decent set of scales.  I really can’t see the display and it does shift around a lot.  Sigh.

I’m hoping to average 4 to 5 pounds per month.  Now that I’ve lost most of the water weight I’d been retaining, I think that’s a reasonable expectation.  I figured out I can lose 100 pounds in 20 months.  That’s less than 2 years. I do believe I’m feeling hopeful and like I can actually do this!  That’s a nice change! I’d really better start saving my money, because I’ve decided my big reward at the 110 pound mark is a trip to Hawaii.  I haven’t been in over 25 years and I’m dying to get back there and show my family how beautiful it is. We’ve only taken one big trip as a family together and that took me several years to save for – Disneyland.  While they’d all like to go back there, I’m holding out for Maui.  Even if I have to go by myself. Aahh.  By myself. Slim and walking alone on a beach.  Nobody calling my name, making demands, asking what’s for lunch….what a beautiful dream. You can tell I’m not 20 something anymore.  There’s no man in my perfect dream.

Hollycat

Aug 28/09 – Synergy

Why isn’t there a universal diet that everyone can go on that works for everyone?  Because diets don’t work. As a society, we’ve already established that. Why we keep flogging that dead horse is another topic altogether. If diets worked, there would be only one diet that everyone goes on and it would work for everyone.  Have I said everyone enough times?  So…what’s the alternative?  Well…over the many years of trying this and that, I keep going back to a few things that have sort of worked for me. However, I didn’t combine them together, because it always seemed like too much effort.  I either did the food thing really well or the exercise thing really well. As a teenager, I went to a GP who hypnotized me and I still have a picture in my mind of how he got me to visualize myself slim. The fact that a memory that old still recurs from time to time seems significant.  As an adult, I also actually did 3 years of low carbing, then 2 years of Curves, fairly faithfully, but could never seem to combine the three [hypnosis, good food and exercise] at the same time to get something going that really worked synergistically.  Seems like a really small problem for the average person that does all these things naturally, but when your primal survival fat programming is turned on full blast like mine is, everything you do is against what your instincts are telling you to do.  In order to survive, your body is saying, “Get fat!  There’s another famine coming!” “Don’t exercise!  You have to conserve energy [fat] for the next famine!” a.k.a. diet. And after 30 odd diets, or periods of starvation, I can imagine that primal centre in my brain is practically screaming blue murder at my subconscious. Diets create a famine scenario and they mess up your metabolism. Your primal mind doesn’t know the difference between a diet and a famine. Your conscious mind gets overridden by the beliefs you hold in your subconscious, which is dictated to by the primal part of your brain that is saying “Get Fat and stay that way as long as possible!” So.  Are we folks who are genetically and experientially pre-disposed to excess adipose doomed to a fat existence?  I just don’t know. I’ve been overweight to varying degrees for at least 30 years. When I started Food Lovers Fat Loss Program, 17 days ago, it was the heaviest I’d ever been.  Even when I carried a full-term baby. Talk about a wakeup call.

In the meantime, while the rest of the world ponders the inevitable, and finally comes to the realization that only a few of us have come to so far; that fat is not a fat person’s fault and that diets don’t work [and hopefully all the thin people feel really, really guilty for all the pain they’ve caused us], I’m pulling out all the stops.  I’m battling the mind with hypnosis CD’s, and the metabolism by eating 6 small meals a day and exercising daily; cardio and weights alternating. All of these tools and recommendations are in the Food Lovers Fat Loss Program.  It is completely comprehensive and fights the battle on all fronts. Because the hypnosis has started to kick in a little, I’m more willing to exercise.   Because the exercise is happening, I’m feeling slightly more energetic and even increased my cardio from 15 to 25 minutes today.  I was sweating like the proverbial pig, but…at least I did it. Because the food I’m eating isn’t disgusting and I’m never hungry for more than a few minutes, that seems to be going well too. I still find some of my old programming skimming across the movie screen of my mind, but I’m not buying into it the way I used to.  There’s a new phrase that keeps coming to mind: “I’m just not that person anymore.” Don’t know where it came from, but it seems to make me pause when an old belief pops up, “I’m doomed.  I’ll never lose weight.  My family is all fat, so I will be too. Etcetera,” before I accept a belief that doesn’t work for me and wallow in it. I think the fact that I am working up to each of these things gradually has a lot to do with my recent, albeit minimal, success.  We’ll just have to wait and see what time will bring.

By the way, the lasagne and sloppy joes went over well with everyone, except my son, who is built like me and has his fat programming turned on full blast. When he whined, we ignored him and the other two vultures ate his.  It’s all about survival baby. Maybe I will eventually be enough of an example for him that his conscious mind will take control long enough for him to be able to put the fat programming on hold and try these methods together.   Here’s hoping!

Aug 27/09 – Easy vs. Hard

Damn. I’m really running out of excuses here. As far as the food goes, this program just gets easier and easier. I’m getting thoroughly unexpected buy-in from my family (a.k.a. the vultures) on my cooking ventures. The lasagne went over like roses sent to a virgin and they argued over who’d get the frozen leftovers of Joe’s chilli! I think I’m going to have to add a small fridge/freezer to my ‘secret stash’ equipment. Finally, a program that provides healthy recipes that my family doesn’t sneer at! I’m not eating lunch out even half as much, so with the money I’m saving  – probably $100-$200 a month, I figured I could afford to make decent meals and eat the leftovers for lunches.  Little did I know I’d be fighting over them! Tonight is Sloppy Joes made with turkey and other healthy stuff.  I’ve already converted them to whole wheat buns, so I think this will be another hit.  We’ll see.

Now for the hard stuff.  The dirty word…exercise.  I’m riding an elliptical trainer 15 minutes every other day. [After a year of couch surfing, I’m starting out slowly]. I dragged out and dusted off all my Joyce Vedral (Love her! Love her accent!) strength training videos and started one about 3 days ago, before I had to rush out to play chauffeur to one of my kids.  I haven’t found the other 3 lb. dumbbell I misplaced yet [rots my socks that I have to start at 3, 5 & 8 lbs. when, at one time, I’d worked up to 10, 12 & 15 lbs. – just goes to show how quickly you can lose your strength!] and I’m using that as an excuse not to finish working out to the same video.  Not really sure why.  I enjoy it when I do it, I feel guilty when I’m not doing it and I’ve worked out enough in my later years to have figured out that I will feel exponentially better with each workout.  So…why am I procrastinating this portion of the program?  I would appreciate a comment or two.  But…since nobody’s reading this yet…I guess I’ll have to figure this one out for myself. The old ‘just do it’ slogan has certainly worked in the past to get my big butt off the couch.  Guess I’ll just stick it in my schedule as a first priority, then I can do all the things I usually do to procrastinate afterwards…read, do laundry, dust under the bed, contemplate stucco options, wallow. Bottom line for me is that going from completely stationary [and I do mean completely!] to actually moving more than I absolutely have to is a habit I will have to develop all over again. Among my Irish ancestors, I suspect one of the more adventurous sea-going ones must have gotten frisky with a sloth. [they’d have to be sea-going, in order to get to south America].

Toodle-oo!

Hollycat

Aug 26/09 – To weigh or not to weigh

To weigh or not to weigh… That is the question.  The answer is:  Never.  Or, at least rarely.    I’ve come to that conclusion, as a result of my impatience and subsequent disappointment.  Not to mention a crummy set of scales.  The lines on it are so small, I can barely see them and if I shift, it moves over 4 or 5 pounds one way or the other.   Honestly!   When I was deciding which scales to buy, I clearly didn’t register the fact that when I am standing on them, the read-out is 5 feet away!  Duh.

So here’s the story.  We are instructed not to weigh ourselves until the 21 day induction period ends.  Could I wait?  Of course not!  Day 15 and I was preparing a chart to track my progress, promising myself I’d wait until Day 21 to weigh myself.  Day 16 today and I find myself carefully stepping on the scales, after removing absolutely everything possible.  Only to find that I’ve gained 2 of the 6 pounds I’d supposedly lost by Day 8.   Disappoooooointed.

Now my day is going extraordinarily badly.   I’m a rotten mother, a terrible worker and the sky is falling.   I can’t even register the fact that I’ve lost 4 pounds.  This is why I didn’t even own a set of scales for years.   It determines how I feel for the rest of the day and that is almost always lousy.  Why, why, why did I do this to myself?  Now I’m thinking of investing in a better set of scales.   Instead, I should be focusing on why I am so impatient and why I couldn’t wait until the appointed time.

The fact is, when I wasn’t weighing myself, I felt great.  Really great.  I was doing something.  I was taking action.   Measuring that result of that action prematurely was clearly a mistake.  I’m thinking now about not weighing myself at all.   Could I do it?  Do I have that kind of resolve?   Or am I slipping into overreaction?   Quite possibly.  Or, that ‘need to know’ is whispering in my ear, telling me I MUST know how I’m doing.  But if knowing how I’m doing by comparing myself to a number on the scale makes me feel bad, why do it?

Oh…bother.  Self-indulgent bother.  I think I know what to do.  Nothing.  Quit whining and just get back to doing what I was doing before and stay away from the scales until Day 21.  In the meantime, find an accurate set of scales with a really BIG DISPLAY.  Maybe pop a Prozac.

Tarrah!

Hollycat

Aug 25/09 – cheat or ?

Robert Ferguson isn’t kidding when he says you’ll be hungry if you don’t eat every 2 or 3 hours.  Late yesterday afternoon, my stomach started hollering at me and making the rudest noises to try and get my attention!  Alas, I ignored it.  I had no plan for supper and I was dog tired from working all day.  Double trouble.  I’d last eaten a small snack at 3:00.  By 5:30, I was ravenous.  Ravenous!  And tired.  I sat down to calm myself and drink some Nestea.  Round about the time I roused from my stupor [6:00],  my daughter’s pizza came out of the oven.  I indulged.  Two slices.  Followed by 20 cheese-flavoured rice crackers that happened to be sitting next to me.  That was supper.  Sigh.  Not the worst cheat in the world, but enough to make me feel bad.

So there I was.  Faced with the choice.  Give up or carry on?  I shook it off and carried on.  I had a snack at 9:20 and I am back on track.  Somehow, carrying on gives the cheat a lot less weight in my mind.   It also got me thinking in a more solution-oriented way.  Next time I’m tired and don’t have a plan, I’m going to have another small snack and give myself the time it takes to make a decent supper, instead of panicking and inhaling the first thing that’s put in front of my face.  Probably tonight, since it will take over and hour to make what I’ve got planned.

I also realized I didn’t exercise yesterday, which was part of my mental plan, so I’ve put it in my calendar at work, to ensure I get to it today.

In the end, all is forgiven.  I’m learning.

Tonight is lasagna night.  FLFP-style.   Mmmmmmm…  wonder how my family will take to whole wheat lasagna?  Snicker.

Hollycat

Aug 24/09 – supplement – avoiding sabotage

Did I mention I live with three vultures?  Anyone else live with vultures?  You know…those creatures that descend upon your ‘healthy’ baking, voraciously devour it within seconds, then make ascerbic comments about it?  Well…as part of my anti-saboteur efforts, I covertly cleaned out a drawer in my bedroom. [I haven't told my family officially what I'm doing, but I'm not exactly hiding it either, what with the materials being spread allover the house - housekeeping is another issue I have].  However, they know me well enough to know the topic is not open for discussion unless I open it.  Upon pain of torture [endless regurgitation of digestive facts and falacies].  The drawer is now filled with non-perishing 100 calorie snacks [ who'd've thought chocolate covered pretzels were actually somewhat tasty?], healthy bars and a small reserve of my ‘healthy’ baking for acceptable food lovers snacks that I baked myself.   I don’t really need to hide fruit in there.  Need I say more?

Last night, while the vultures were lurking in the basement, I made blueberry muffins, a la Food Lovers.  Whole wheat, wheat germ, brown rice syrup, yogurt, egg whites, etc.  You get the idea.  These are not your standard white flour muffins.  Well…I made 19 of them.  I kept the kitchen doors closed to keep the aroma from wafting into the rest of the house, alerting the vultures that something ‘good’ was about to emerge from the oven.  As soon as the muffins were ready to come out of the oven, I raced into the kitchen, quickly wrapped 6 individually, checked the halls for pirates, skated on my socks down the hardwood and swept them into my secret drawer, so I could scarf one a day for the next few days.  Breathing heavily and trying to hide it, I returned to the kitchen, opened the doors wide, then stood there with a muffin in my hand, counting down.  I’m telling you, it’s the only way!  Sure enough, not 2 minutes later, three pairs of feet thundered up the stairs and they descended.

“Mmm!  Muffins!” and there went 3.  Then, seconds later, 3 more.  6 left.  Even though they were easily divisible by 3, the fighting started.  “Hey!  How many did you have mom?!” 

 ”Seven.”  Bold faced lie.  Chewing daintily on a muffin.

“That’s not fair!!”  Hmm…could these muffins have actually passed the vulture test?

“I love you.  I made them.  I’m sharing.  Bite me. ”  Haha!  I’m getting away with this!

“They taste funny anyway,”  scowling as they grab another one on their way back to the dungeon.  Trolls.

“Good.  More for me.”  Evil Smirk.  Victory!

Upon arising this morning, they were all gone.  Couldn’tve tasted that funny, could they?

Got my fingers crossed that they never find the secret drawer…heh heh.

By the way, they’re delicious.

Hollycat