I seem to have reached the point in this program where, in the past, things have gotten a little crazy in my head and this time around things are no different.
I’m not really sure what’s going on up there, but there’s a lot of conflict. I’m excited about the possibilities. I’m afraid to hope. I’m trying to envision a slim future. I’m wondering if it’s ridiculous to even hope for such a thing. I imagine the reaction of friends and family, whether positive or negative. Will I be able to handle either? Does the world’s opinion of me even matter to me anymore? It sees me as something completely different from how I see myself. Can I rise above the opinion of others, whether positive or negative and detach myself from them long enough to reach my goal and stay there? Will there be different expectations of me? Will I lose friends? Gain new ones? I suppose this is all a natural reaction to change. I don’t think I can conclude this thought pattern, because I’m just too wrapped up in it.
To complicate my obsessions, I’m still stepping on the scale. I’d vowed to shove it under the bed, but I’ve altered that vow a little. I’ll put it under the bed when I’ve had my end of week weigh-in. Until then, I’m jumping on every morning and evening to see how much it actually varies. Hey! My body, my science experiment! [Note rationalization of irrational behaviour]. So far, it’s at least 2 pounds overnight. Up 2 in the evening, down 2 in the morning. Almost like clockwork. Adequate sleep really does seem to matter. Things apparently happen overnight.
On top of the anxiety, confusion and conflicting feelings I’m experiencing, I’m having digestive issues of the carrying around a rubber donut variety, which make me none too anxious to exercise. I’m going to have to alter the program a bit to eliminate wheat products and try and find some rice alternatives and incorporate more veggies. I think that may help.
Anyway, no funny haha’s today. Just not feeling too humorous. Need to get through this rocky patch first.
Hollycat
